Dead Heart
by charisma5
Summary: Before Buffy's about to die, Angel visits her and together they reflect on the lives they led with each other.


Dead Heart  
  
By:charisma  
  
Summary: Years into the future, before Buffy is about to die, Angel pays her a visit. They talk about their relationship, and they lives they lead without each other. Told from Buffy's POV.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in the story. They belong to Joss Whedon (Damn you!) and Mutant Enemy. If only they were mine.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I'm tired of unhappy ever-after endings. I'm tired of make believe heroes. I'm tired of waking up here. I'm tired of wanting you."  
  
~*~*~*  
  
I remember a time, a long, long, time ago, when my mother told me that everyone dies. I didn't understand why people were still left in their body, why they wouldn't wake up, why they couldn't talk or smile or laugh anymore. I was scared to die, scared to see anyone close to me die. And then I grew up. I became a Slayer. And then the stench of death followed me, steeped into my skin, clouded my brain. But right after I was called, and I killed my first vampire, it was then I realized that one day, I was going to die too.  
  
But I was never scared of death anymore.  
  
He walks in my room, his dark coat clashing with the pale, whitewashed walls of my musty room. I knew he would come. I could feel the psychic tug on my heart at about the time Spike would have told him about me. He looks just like I remembered him; beautiful and untouchable, his face dark and light at the same time. He looks more worn than I remember, his face tired and closed. But he's still my Angel.  
  
He spots me, and then he smiles at me, that lopsided, sweet smile, and I feel my heart break again. He always does that to me, and no matter how much I hate him I'll never stop loving him. I always said that I'd love him until the day that I died. And I still do. As he comes to sit by my bed, in a worn old chair, I smell his scent, of earthy spices, leather, and of strength, and a million memories wash over me like a tidal wave. I feel like I'm seventeen again, filled with love and passion for an Angel that was destined to leave me in the end.  
  
"Hi, Angel." I say slowly, a gentle smile lighting my face. My eyes are so tired, but I keep them open. I can't break my gaze with the person in front of me, the one that still looks the same after so many years. Even his hair is almost the same, and I long to run my hands through it one last time, it's silky touch running through my fingers. But my hands ache, my bones weary, and I can't raise them anymore.  
  
He gazes at me, and then softly says "Hey Buffy." As he speaks my name, a shiver runs down my spine. The way his mouth says my name in that deep, almost breathy way of his would drive me crazy. He still brings tingles through me after all these years. He shifts in his seat, the black leather of his coat rustling, and I know he wants to say something. I say nothing, but prod him gently with my eyes, still bright at my age.  
  
"I've missed you, Buffy. I haven't seen you in so many long years. You look- "  
  
"Old?" I ask him, and he chuckles, his deep voice soothing and comforting. I smile too, and he shakes his head slowly as he studies me.  
  
"No. Absolutely beautiful." He answers, and I sigh, content to have his presence with me once more before I go. I thought he wouldn't make it here for awhile, but he pulled through. He always pulled through when I needed him the most.  
  
"I." he starts, but than stops suddenly. I look at him carefully, noticing that he seems nervous and pensive. I raise my thin eyebrows, and he looks deep into my eyes with his chocolate ones. The ones I loved to gaze into when I was younger. With a start, I find that I still love to gaze into them now.  
  
"Were you happy, Buffy?" he asks, and I realize that he didn't come here just to visit me. I know what his question is asking, and I contemplate whether I should lie or not. He came here to see if I had the happy life that he wanted to give me, the one he was convinced I could never have if he would have stayed. Tears come to my eyes, salty and hot, burning my eyelids, but I don't cry. I won't.  
  
"Yes." I answer, somewhat honestly, and he smiles sincerely. I smile too, and then he grabs my hand, squeezing softly. His touch is the same, cool and sweet, and I'm happier than I have been in years. I've had a good life, long and mostly happy, but I know that I would have been happiest with my soul mate. My heart was never complete when he was gone, but now I feel that I'm finally whole again.  
  
"Who was he?" Angel inquires, his face open and non-threatening. And I know that I'll tell him, because I met the normal man that Angel wanted me too. I had the normal life, had the kids and the white picket fence, and had a life without him.  
  
"He was a man I met after I went back to school. After Faith got killed in a prison fight, a new Slayer was called. So I wasn't needed anymore. Dawn was eighteen, so she moved out and got a job while she went off to college herself. I became a psychologist, and met him in one of my classes. His name was Anthony. He was tall and handsome, and as normal as you could get." I answer, and Angel nods, his forehead creased as he processes the information. I don't tell him that before Faith died in her dirty hospital bed, she told me that Angel and I were meant for each other, and that we shouldn't be apart. I didn't tell him that before she died, I realized that I loved her like a sister, and I missed her.she was my sister. She apologized, and I forgave her. I had forgiven her long before that.  
  
"We got married two years later, and had three kids. Marco, Annie, and Joyce. They got married too, and I was able to have grandchildren. I loved them more than I loved my own mother.Anyways, Anthony died ten years ago. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. He gave me a good life and I'll always love him." I go on to tell him, and Angel nods, a peace washing over his face. I don't tell him that I missed him every single day, that I still love him as much as I ever did.  
  
"What happened to the rest of the Sunnydalers?" he asks, and my bright smile drops, my face tinged with sadness. The tears from before threaten to drop, and one spills over, trailing warmly down my lined cheek, dripping off my wrinkled chin. Angel gently wipes my face, his own face concerned. I look at him, and all of the memories slide over me, in full vivid color.  
  
"Well.Tara, Willow's girlfriend, died not long after you came back to Sunnydale for the third time. She died from a bullet wound. Xander and Anya ended up splitting up permanently, and Anya became a vengeance demon again. She and Spike, who got a soul, decided to become a couple, and they moved back to England. Spike promised that he would never come to California again. Don't make that face. I'm not joking. He really got a soul. They came to visit me yesterday, and I realized how much I had really missed them. They seemed to be really happy with each other. Giles.Giles died from a heart attack, back in England, and I went into a short depression." Another tear spills over, but I'm determined to tell him everything, even about my tough times, the times when I wanted him to tell me it was going to be all right. The times when my heart ached for him, for his touch, for his love.  
  
"Xander and Willow got married. The ceremony was beautiful. They had two kids, and they moved out of Sunnydale. Too many bad memories. I got word five years ago that they passed away in a car accident a long time ago. I never even knew." I stop once more, and Angel squeezes my hand again. He gives me the strength to go on, even though I don't want to.  
  
"And Dawn. Oh god.she died too. She was turned into a vampire, before she turned twenty, and the new Slayer staked her before I could stop her. I always regret the fact that I couldn't save her.she was my only true family left, and I couldn't save her." My lip trembles, but I know that I'll be all right. Soon I'll be with all my friends again, with my mother and my sister. The thought brings my peace, and I'm okay again. I turn to Angel, and his face is sad. I know that he missed them too after he left. I know that he cared about them, and that he wishes he could have prevented their deaths. But I tried, and look where that got me.  
  
"What about you? How about your life, Angel?" I question, my voice thin and weak. He smiles, but the smile doesn't reach his dark eyes. I wonder if maybe he missed me as much as I missed him. I could only dream that he still loves me.  
  
"Well, it's been better than I hoped. I ended up with a son.a son that was impossibly mine and Darla's. His name was Connor. Please don't ask," he pleads, and though I'm shocked and mad, my heart constricting painfully, I don't ask any questions. It's not the time to fight. Our lives are spent with so much time fighting, when in the end it's all meaningless.  
  
"I ended up with my soul being permanent. I found out not long after I left. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't ant to wreck your life. I talked to Xander, and he said you were the happiest he had ever seen you. So I didn't say anything. I married Cordelia, and we raised my son together. She died twenty years ago, from cancer, and I still miss her. Our life together was good, and my son made me so proud. He moved to New York, and married an amazing woman. They had kids together.and Buffy.I had grandchildren. Me.a grandfather. They knew what I was, and they still loved me. I still visit them all the time," Angel says, his smile so bright that I have to close my eyes. I feel my soul sag, and I feel like crying again. His life was good without me, and all I could have ever brought him was pain. Pain and hurt, sadness that probably would have destroyed both of us. That's what I tell myself.  
  
I know deep in my heart that our life would have been full of happiness, such joy and love, if only Xander would have kept his big mouth shut. But I can't blame him, because I made everyone think that I was happy. And it worked. Angel had a permanent soul. I can only dream about the life we could have had with each other. I suddenly hate Angel, and I hate Xander, because my life was supposed to be spent with Angel. I was supposed to be able to be with me soul mate, the man that to this day I was still completely head over heels in love with.  
  
Angel seems to sense my anger, and he frowns. He smoothes back my gray hair from my forehead. My heart hurts so much, and I can't take it anymore. I can't take all the hurt and longing, and all the regret and sadness. Sure I had had a happy life, but it wasn't the life I wanted.  
  
"I'm sorry," he says sadly, and I open my bleary eyes. I can't hate him because he was happier than me, because I didn't get what I wanted. I can't hate him, just because he's him and I love him.  
  
"It's okay Angel. I forgive you. I forgive you for not telling me, and I forgive you for leaving me. I always have." I close my eyes, because I can't keep them open any longer. I don't see Angel nod, his eyes filling up with tears. I don't see him frown, the tears running down his pale, smooth cheeks. I don't see the hurt in his own eyes. But I can feel all of it. Oddly, it doesn't make me feel any better. Only worse, if possible.  
  
I don't want to know that he was unhappy too. I thought I did, but I realize that it hurts me too much. I can't stand the fact that he went through his life bitter like I did, putting on a false face, giving people love that wasn't real, that wasn't whole. It was tainted love, love that was filled with a certain degree of hate and bitterness. I want Angel to have at least been happier than me. I don't want him living the rest of his life sad and regretful of things that are long gone.  
  
"Buffy.Buffy. I love you so much that it hurts. After all these years, I still love you more than life itself. I loved Cordelia, but never as much as I did you. I always missed you, I always felt empty and alone." He manages to get out, and I feel my heart shatter completely once more. He starts to fully cry, and I pull his head into my arms while he sobs. Like a little boy, I pat his head and murmur soothing words. But I know that nothing I say will ever soothe him. I could never be soothed either. We lost so much time, when we could have been happy. Our whole lives were a lie, and I'll never be at peace.  
  
"I love you too, Angel. I always have." I can only say, and he nods. He understands. He pulls his head up, and looks into my eyes. And in that moment, I am finally truly happy. I see that our love was a gift, and that everything we had was an amazing rarity. We got to love each other, and we found our soul mates. Even time apart, many long years, could never change that. Our love never faded, never lessened, never changed. I missed him, and he missed me.  
  
I see memories in his eyes, times of when I was a young Slayer. Times when we shared so much passion, so much energy, it was surreal. He left in body, but his heart remained with me. Our love tied us together even when we decided to be apart. Our love got us through hard times, and it brought us through good times. Not even death will change that.  
  
I feel my heart slow, the pumping gentle and soft, and I know that Angel could feel it too. I look at him with wide eyes, but he just gives me a big smile. His eyes tell me all that I need to understand, and I know what he is going to do, but I won't try to stop him. I sigh, but a smile slides over my face too. My eyes flutter close, and the world grows silent. I can only hear my own blood flowing through my veins, slower and slower, and I feel it stop completely. I see a bright light, and I whisper a good bye to Angel. The last thing I feel is his cool hand squeezing my own, his familiar soft lips brush against my own. And my heart is at peace, full of joy and serenity. I'm finally content.  
  
Bye life. Thanks for screwing me over more times than I can count, but making me happy right in the end when it's all over and I can't enjoy it.  
  
~*~*~*  
  
The room was silent, and the dark haired vampire slowly stood up from his cracked chair. His lover was still on the bed, her features smiling and full of hidden peace as she lay, her long hair splashed out behind her on the pillow. He could only smile, and he traced a big hand over the soft curve of her worn cheek. Stepping back slightly, he pulled a wooden stake from his pocket.  
  
"I'll see you soon, love."  
  
His whispered words echoed throughout the empty room. With a final smile, he shut his dark eyes, and plunged the stake deep within his chest. The stake clattered to the floor, amid a pile of smoky dust and ashes. The sun began to rise, and it's light filtered into the room, washing everything in pale light. If one was standing in there, they might have heard a slight female laugh joined by a masculine one, a wisp of sound. They would have smelled a vanilla scent from long ago, the rustle of a silk shirt, and the warmth of eternal love.  
  
~FIN~  
  
~*~*~  
  
"You taught me courage and strength, but gave me love."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


End file.
